hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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