i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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