Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
