beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
