OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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