I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
