tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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