I just saw a hot homeless man
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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