Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
