I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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