also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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