He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
