You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
