be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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