she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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