Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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