you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
As shirtless as possible
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
