The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
