What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
