Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
