She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
