Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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