That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
