dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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