And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You have to summon your inner elephant
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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