My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
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So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
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i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine