I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
