He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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