glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
