Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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