Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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