I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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