I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
