You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There r osticjed everywhere
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
