I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My vagina is officially offended.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
