I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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