look no pants
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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