I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
