Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
