i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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