tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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