Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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