I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
