no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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