Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
