Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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