i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
