I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I supernannyed him into submission
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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