No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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