I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
