One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
